This isn’t a secret I’ll never tell …….

Don’t know why I posted this . yesterday I met him, like the other day that usually we spent each other. Dear bloggy I really want to tell you about this but what I feel right now for him is beyond any words I can use. Yes again, words fail me, as always.

This is ain’nt love but this is more than just a crush. I just want to make sure everything's clear. I don't have any idea what's going on here. I feel stupid. I feel wasted. I feel underappreciated. Somehow I feel the more I tried, the more I failed.

I’AM IN A BIG DENIAL. I don’t think that this feeling will last forever. This is temporary, I do believe it, and now I don’t feel anything, I don’t feel like I have a feeling anymore, I lost you, I lost the old you, and yes, I deserved better, I deserved someone who respect me, I didn’t say that you don’t respect me but I feel I got less respect from you, you never care. The only think that you care is just a ‘thing’ about you, it’s always about you, your life, your value, your bussines, it’s always you. errrrrrrrrrrr I hate you.

But even this feeling is no longer (actually still, I can handle it don’t worry) I think you should know about THIS. About everything that I HIDE. I heart you. I like you because I like you and because you are you.

What bothers me is that I can't stop thinking about it. No, not in an I-want-you-to-be-mine kind of way, not in a omaygad-my-crush-says-hi-to-me kind of way, not even in a you-have-to-feel-the-same kind of way. My thinking is twisted, it's complex, I don't know.

I never thought I’d said this before, but I have to admit it.. After I know you, you turns to be an okay guy. I like the whole you but in the same time I hate you with all my heart ;p it’s complicated.

You’re not my type at all. But after all those months that we spent being a great friends, I know you’re amazing, your ability to always win debating when we have a lot of diffences argument, for example : you forced me to think that you’re a boss and I’am your staff (wadefak) then you forced me to admit that you’re smarter than me(sorry dear, I’am the smartest) HAHAHA.

Me : hurry up .
You : it’s about 30minutes
Me : I don’t have a much time !
You : be patience
Me : where are you ?!
You : on the way .
Me : on the way to hell .
You : YEAH, YOUR HOUSE IS A HELL .

(--_--)

You always win the game because when I’m with you I feel soooo easy to get angry -_- you’re totally annoying. I always get mad, you drive me crazy, you’re attitude totally rude and impolite -_- I wanna scream and say loudly that I hateeeeeee you so much (but my heart scream louder than my mouth I like you so damn much, I cant pretend although I’ve tried to hide)

You’re so unpredictable because I never thought that the man like you ever watching so many drama movies hahahahaha -_- same like mine. I’am so excited when I know your English is pretty good and after I know that we always trying to have a conversation in English everyday (you know what? In future I wanna speak to my child with an English language, so I’am looking for the man who can speak English too.. would you being a father of my child? Bahahahaha i-am-kidding).

I was so surprised when you tell me you know mandi more’s song “only hope” and you remember the dialog between jeany and landon. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr that’s my favourite song! And you also know the aladin’s soundtrack, and the call by regina spektor, well I know the songs is already famous so it’s normal when everyone knows that, but it’s youuuu I just cant believe that the man like you know that songs HAHA

And one more thing! I hate the way you calling my name. “SLUT” bastarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddd . I know that you’re kidding me, but if anybody else hear that what will they think about me?!!! That was THE SWEETIEST nickname I’ve ever got -_-‘ my name is iin so why you keep calling me slut? Like I give a shit! YOU MANWHORE ! HAHAHA

I always complaining and you never listening , it’s sad, but I still looking at your silly face even when you’re calling me slut -_- . Why do I’am not angry? Because I know you know I’am not a slut. I’am not the same like the bitches that you meet outside in your world who always hanging out and play with you. wkwkwkwkw you never can touch me, I wont let you sir!!!!! So stop your jokes , I hate it when you keep asking me “HOW MUCH HOW MUCH HOW MUCH???”
And stupid me I answer you “pay me with dollars” hahaha that was a joke wkwkwkw you want to know the real answer? MARRY ME !

You’re a totally stranger in my life before. Then you came around and we’re become a friend who often spend the time together to do an assignment, and helping each other. I never understand what I feel, I don’t know exactly who you are, you never told me about your life and so do i. seems like we don’t care each other. Hehehehe, but I love myself when I’am with you, so natural and no need to pretend to be anybody else, I love being myself in front of you, I never care if a look so damn mess without any make up and wearing the ugly clothes ;) I still feel comfort, and I like you even when you’re sick and look disgusting sometimes ;p even when you’re belching beside me and coughing in front of my face. I never feel an “ewwwwww” hahahah but you always said “eww” to me. Fak!

I like you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I’m sure that’s what you’ll call it. And it’s not because you’re unattainable. I like you. Very simple, very truly. You’re the epitome of every attribute and quality I’ve ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you’d ever consider. But I had to say it. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship-no pun intended-but I had to say it, because I’ve never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. But all this time I successful being a the best actrees who act I simply don’t have any feeling at all ;p

Like what colbie cailat say in her song : just realized what I’ve just realized that we’d be perfect for each other never find another. Bahahahaha -_- actually I didn’t think this feeling is so ‘big’ because I tried to back up and manage my heart. I learn to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt. I know you didn’t feel the same. I will never forced you love me back.. wait wait wait ? love ? I mean.. like. I have a crush on you, I adore you sir I don’t know why -_-‘ YOU ALWAYS ANNOYING , maybe that’s whyyyyyyyyyyyyy… huhuhuhuhu so be nice to me please be nice I’m begging you. we are a great friends. Like what I’ve said, I will never forced you to feel this way too, it’s nice to know you’re still there and said
“slut.. I’m depend on you”
;)

Let it be when the times come, if time never come? It’s written, and god always know the best for us. I just wanna say thanks to you for all these time and your kindness, also all those jokes thanks for making me smile, I will always here to help you, to kill your laziness and to give you any spirit ;)

* Well .. if you don’t call me it means I’am gonna move on (it’s already, there’s no possibility to us ;( ) , life goes on.. I’ll find my mr.right ;) ah cant wait to see him ! ;p ;p *


“you are weird, crazy, freak, and always annoying.. but I know if you weren’t all that, I wouldn’t love you this way..”

“somewhere between ALL OUR LAUGHS, LONG TALKS, STUPID LITLE FIGHT, and all our lame jokes.. I FELL IN LOVE”